My grief and the ditch

Paula kindly accepted to both do an interview to share about her journey so I can share it with my TWU/ACTS students in May 2024, and to share her personal spiritual insights in this blog, for which I am grateful.

My grief and the ditch: Loosing my life partner

#1“How did I feel when I lost David?” 

Hard to put into words...I was so shocked at the depth of pain I felt, and the deep sense of being lost afterward. The life I know was gone and I was left with the wreckage. I know from counseling others that in order to get through this I had to face the grief full on and with God's help I did.

The scripture That helped me a lot during this time was in Psalm 23:4 “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me: Your rod and your staff will comfort me.” I quoted that many times to rec. comfort during that dark time.

 The shadow of death had darkened my days and it was hard to see a way through. Yet God was with me...His rod (to keep back the enemy) and his staff (to guide me); along with His presence helped me to know that I was not alone.

#2 What kind words helped and which didn't and why?” 

The kindest words were: “I'm sorry you lost David.” That helped a lot just to know someone cared. I had stated early on that I didn't want to be “fixed” so the friends that drew close during those painful months sat quietly and just let me talk if I needed to. They expressed their love and didn't try to fix this...

The words that weren't helpful and were instantly shut down were...”You should be happy for David he is dancing in Heaven.” I am not allowed to grieve??? My sister in law who lost her husband a month to the day after David; heard the same thing...people meant well but she also said that it felt to her that she wasn't allowed to grieve either.  Don't try to “fix” someone who is grieving, just love them and be there for them.

What I needed people to do was speak life over me and  not worry about me. I needed them to put their faith in the faith that God had in me. He knew I was going to be alright, I was under his care. These things take time to heal...

#3 The ditch image; A huge part of me was cut away with David's loss and my life wasn't the same and never would be. I was an amputee and felt it. God saw that I was having a rough time with this as I didn't know what to do. David and I were so close and how do you get over that?  I asked God and He showed me the ditch that highways crew had carved out of the side of the road a few years ago.  What was left then was a big hollow piece of bare ground that went the length of the road; where plants and young trees once stood. When I had asked God what I should do concerning the grief; He said” Don't do anything just be” Now I understand why.

While I was walking and talking to Jesus about the fact that there is no way to reclaim the rich life I once had; He had me take a second look at the ditch...

Where the ground was ripped up and bare there was now new life growing. Little flowers and plants, some small bushes, a fresh cover where once there was a huge scar. The hollow of the ditch was still there, but there was life in the soil and it was now beginning to show. By this; He showed me that there is life in the soil of my life as well; and that I don't have to plant anything: over time it will grow on its own. It is...I am feeling the new life coming up in me now as I go on in this journey. (It will be 4 yrs. This summer.) No, I won't be the same...this is a new life growing in the torn-up area of my life. I'm glad I listened: “Don't do anything: just be” “Trust Me”.   I was given 3 Scriptures During this time: promises that are now coming to pass.

Hosea 2:14-15 Therefore I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her. I will give her vineyards from there and make the valley of  Achor  (trouble) into a door of hope.

Psalm 84:5-7 Blessed are those whose strength is in You, in whose hearts are the highways to Zion. As they go through the valley of Baca (weeping) they make it a place of springs; the early rain covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.

And lastly: Isaiah 42:16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them. I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do and will not forsake them.

The valley of weeping and the valley of trouble would become a place of springs and vineyards for me; as I walk through them. God would guide me. I have never been alone and now in my later years I am. I have never been here before but my Father is with me and will see me through.

#4 How important is my relationship with God during this grief? I think I might have answered that, but I will say that He is the one who strengthens me and is guiding me all the way. He is my lifeline: I am closer to Him now than ever before.

The month before David got sick, He gave me a scripture that warned me something was coming...in a way he prepared me for a very tough journey. Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, do not look anxiously about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

My relationship with God and knowing his love for me is central to my recovery. We are so close: I listen for His voice; because when he speaks into my Spirit change happens. Miracles happen; Oct.2022 was time for me to come out of the deep grief and My Father spoke and I came back to life...I am me again because of him. My closeness to him and his word is aiding me in the ongoing journey I now have to walk. These unfamiliar paths are not unfamiliar to him, and I can trust him.

#5: Where is hope? In the spring of 2020 David had been told that he had just a few months left to live but they could buy him more time with chemo and surgery. He said, “No, I have had a good life and I know where I am going.” That peace kept him through the last 3 months of his life. The story of our lives doesn't end here, this is just the beginning. This is the hope we have in Christ. In Him we have eternal life and one day we will simply step from this life-to-life eternal with him. In fact from the time, we are saved we are already eternal beings just waiting for the day he calls us home.